Abstract

Vipassana meditation is a practice that can aid in the development of self-awareness; relationship research points to the positive contribution of self-awareness to relationship. This study was carried out as a phenomenological investigation of committed relationship as experienced by Vipassana meditators. Buddhist teaching, meditation technique, and relationship theory were the lenses through which the study was viewed.

Participants defined relationship as a path of self-discovery and love as a developmental continuum leading from neediness to selflessness. They also reported an increased ability to deal positively with conflict, a deeper sense of compassion and friendship with their partners, and an overall positive change between relationships experienced before and after meditation practice was begun.

Acknowledgements

As I hope is made evident in the work to follow, I believe that no project and indeed no human activity can be carried out in complete independence or disconnection from other people or from the phenomenal world.

This is certainly true for me, and I have many people whom I would like to thank for their contributions and support throughout my studies and during the process of writing this thesis:

To my parents, Gary and Judy, thank you for your financial and emotional support throughout the process of this endeavor, and for your willingness to discuss and learn with me. Without your help I would not have had the resources to undertake my studies, to attempt this thesis, or to embark on the path of healing of which this project has been a part.

To my ex-wife, Anne, thank you for the years that we shared, for your contributions to my understanding of Dukkha, for promoting my desire to understand the workings of relationship, and for bringing about the changes that helped to set me more squarely on my own path of self-discovery.

To my Children, Ian and Kassia, my thanks to you for your patience with my hours at the computer and the times that I was not there.

To Ken, Ray, Marg, and Gordon, my thanks for creating a work environment in which education is respected and supported, and for your understanding of my absences.

To S.N. Goenka, the assistant teachers and the volunteers who have made it possible for me to learn and practice Vipassana meditation, my sincere and heartfelt thanks.

I would also like to thank all who have volunteered their time and shared their personal thoughts as participants of this study, and my advisors, Tracy and Jim, for their help and advice along the way.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgements *

Table of Contents *

Introduction *

Literature review *

Methodology *

Results *

Discussion *

Conclusion *

Appendix A: Introductory Message *

Appendix B: Consent Form *

Appendix C: Preliminary Questionnaire *

Appendix D: Interview Protocol *

Appendix E: Email to Participants *

References *

End Notes *

Introduction

Is there a commonality in what can make a relationship something of beauty and fulfillment, and are there principles to follow that can lead a person toward happiness in relationship? Is there a tool, a practice, a path that will lead surely to a sense of greater joy and intimate communion with a partner? Common sense seems to answer "Yes" to these questions, and it is the thesis of this study that the practice of Vipassana meditation is just such a path, leading to greater understanding of the principles of joy and peace.

However, this can seem a somewhat grandiose statement without further explanation. There is, after all, a great deal of uncertainty as to what exactly these principles are, and very little agreement about what is needed to find them. Modern music, cinema, television and printed media all carry hosts of messages pointing to the ideal of romantic love and its power to heal all. Psychologists and authors on the topic of relationship suggest countless methods, principles, and ideals for better relationships, for better sex, or for finding happiness with a partner. Philosophers have argued for centuries over the meaning and significance of love, and all of the great religions have a point of view on the subject. Within this great barrage of messages, how can one person find a truth to hold onto, and how can one person choose a path that will actually bring what is sought? What is the commonality within the cacophony, and how is the truth winnowed from the chaff?

These are not questions that can be answered by one person with the intention of answering for all. These are questions that knock upon the door of the existential truths of life, asking "why am I here?" "What is my place, my purpose, my meaning – and if I am given choice, what way will I choose?" These are questions that sink deep into the foundations of what we believe and, in the words of Kahlil Gibran (1991) speaking of love, "…descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth ." (p. 11)

It is difficult to reach the roots of a great tree by climbing into its branches, and it is even more difficult to find a path to joyful relationship by searching only outside of one’s self. Questioning in this study was undertaken with the assumption that there cannot truly be a separation between the action of perceiving (noesis), and what is perceived (noema). The plane of contact between noesis and noema is the ground on which the experience of "…being-in-the-world" (Valle, 1978, p. 8) is built, and it is into this experience that one must go to bring ideas into contact with experience.

The tool, and practice, that was chosen for reaching this place of lived-in-the-world experience is that of Vipassana meditation. Through the deep examination of one’s own inner experience in meditation, it is possible to explore the field of contact between the outside world and the inside world at ever greater levels of detail and subtlety. Reaching deep within one’s own experience through the practice of Vipassana brings awareness to levels at which it is possible to observe the interplay of noesis and noema in the present moment, and to gain greater perspective of the moment by moment truth of that-that-is, as opposed to that-that-is-desired.

Vipassana meditation, then, is a practice that can take an interested observer down into the very roots of her or his life and direct awareness to the subtle interplays between experience of internal (inside the body), and external (outside the body) realities. Though enhancing relationship is not a goal of the practice of Vipassana, it is my belief that practice in this style of meditation will indeed enhance intimate relationships simply as a by-product of the practice. Like joy, happiness in relationship is not something to be searched for directly, but instead is something that arrives unexpectedly when one is looking with deep commitment for something else.

The problem, of course, is in finding what this something else could be. To what must one commit if it is not to relationship itself? Moreover, even if an ideal is found to which to commit, how does one bridge the gap between the philosophy and the reality of day to day living?

Vipassana meditation seems to promote both a philosophy in which harmonious relationship is revered and a practical method for learning to bring this philosophy bit by bit into deeper practice in daily life. Studying the experience of committed meditators can therefore shed light on what benefits can be found in the practice of Vipassana, and can help to point out how this practice can be beneficial for those who wish to find more depth and lasting joy in their committed partnerships.

Though Vipassana is, in itself, a reasonably simple practice, it is necessary to have an understanding both of the theory behind the practice of meditation and of the philosophy of Buddhism in order to understand the experience of the study participants. It is also necessary to gain some insight into the vast body of literature that has been written about relationship in order to have a grounding in the thinking of other relationship researchers and philosophers. This study therefore begins by defining the field of inquiry and investigating the literature of relationship, meditation, and Buddhism.

Literature review

Narrowing the field in a study is both a necessary and a hazardous occupation. On the one hand, it is essential that the vastness of possibilities be limited to a manageable size, and that there be a sense of focus. On the other hand, the act of defining the field of inquiry introduces limitation and bias as the boundaries are defined and the study area is drawn out.

This study can be seen as a stool, supported by three legs arranged in a triangle. On one vertex of the triangle is the philosophy of Buddhism, on another the practice of Vipassana meditation, and on the other are theories and ideals of intimate relationship. These three legs are, together, the philosophical and practical base on which the study rests, and within their triangle is defined the field of this inquiry.

Buddhism is frequently thought of as a religion, and is followed as such in many instances. However, it differs from most religions in that the founder of Buddhism does not claim to be anything but a man. Moreover, Buddhism does not claim to be a faith that must be believed, nor does it provide edicts and rules that are to be followed out of devotion to a particular set of teachings(1). Buddhism, above all else, is a practice. Rather than exhorting his followers to believe, the Buddha taught them to practice and to realize truth for themselves when it came upon them. Questions of how to live peacefully and harmoniously may thus be gradually answered in the life of a practitioner of Buddhism – not by belief or subscription to rules, but by practice and gradual realization of personal reality.

Buddhism is a complete cosmology with teachings that address many levels of existence in this world as well as in other planes and levels that are not recognized by Western thought. Of interest here, however, are the Buddhist teachings that address human behavior in this world. With respect to this, the path that is Buddhism can be reduced to four words in the Pali language: Dukkha, Samudaya, Nirodha and Magga. Collectively, these four concepts are known as the four Noble Truths, and they are the keystones of "Dhamma" - Buddhist practice.

Dukkha, the first Noble Truth, is usually translated as "suffering" but actually means much more than this. In Buddhist thought, one must look realistically at things as they truly are and if one looks very truthfully at life it becomes clear that "Life is challenging. For everyone. Our physical bodies, our relationships – all of our life circumstances – are fragile and subject to change. We are always accommodating" (Boorstein, 2002, p. 39).

The first Noble Truth is often thought to be a pessimistic or negative viewpoint of reality, and Buddhism is sometimes considered to be a pessimistic religion as a result of this misunderstanding. The reality is that Buddhism is not particularly pessimistic, nor particularly optimistic. Buddhist thought is pragmatic and realistic, attempting to look at life as it really is rather than through lenses that distort it into visions of what we wish it were. Looking beneath all of the efforts to be entertained, to achieve power or success, or fame or wealth, a moment of realism is generally enough to see that under the gloss and cover of all of this surface activity, the reality of death and uncertainty is always present. We do not know what will happen tomorrow, or even in the next instant. We cannot keep our moments of happiness and pleasure, and we cannot avoid our times of pain, loss, and sorrow. All that we think we own and all that we hold will one day certainly be lost, and death will one day take us all. Change is a certainty, loss is a certainty, death is a certainty. This is the reality taught by the first Noble Truth. Life itself, by its very nature, is suffering.

Though the first Noble Truth does indeed sound rather pessimistic, it must be remembered that it is only one quarter of the teaching, and that it only sets the stage for the other three Noble Truths. Buddhism teaches not only that there is suffering in the world, but also that there is a way to move beyond this suffering. "Even the stars are born and die, but beyond the transiency of the world there is an eternal that each of us can comprehend" (Fleischman, 1990, p. 15). Buddhism is also practical, teaching that "Being impatient or angry at suffering does not remove it" (Rahula, 1974, p. 28) and "…joy (piti) is one of …the essential qualities to be cultivated for the realization of Nirvana" (Rahula, 1974, p. 28).

The second Noble Truth, Samudaya, is the Truth that explains why it is that Dukkha exists. In the simplest of terms, "The cause of suffering is the mind’s struggle in response to challenge" (Boorstein, 2002, p. 39). On a more technical level, the Buddha explains the arising of Dukkha through the cycle of conditioned arising. In this cycle, a sense organ (such as the eye) comes into contact with a sense object (such as an apple). The eye transmits an image of the apple to the brain, where the image is processed and recognized – "This is an apple". Once recognition has taken place, the brain proceeds to make a judgment – "I like it", "I don’t like it", or "I don’t care". The judgment then activates electrical and glandular reactions within the organism that induce pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral sensations within the body(2) and efforts to obtain the object, to reject the object, or to simply ignore the object. These efforts are frequently frustrated, which brings us back to Boorstein’s definition of Samudaya as the mind’s struggle in response to challenge. In attempting to meet the challenge of keeping our pleasures and avoiding our pains (which are caused by the simple fact that we cannot avoid doing at least one of seeing, feeling, hearing, tasting, smelling, or thinking), we find suffering(3) (Goenka, 1987, pp. 30-37). The chain of events that is set up as we react repeatedly to these sensations of craving and aversion is the cause of the arising of Dukkha.

In its description of the arising of Dukkha, Buddhist thought describes human behavior in a way quite similar to the way that modern behavioral psychologists may think of it. In both ways of thinking, behavior is basically an elaboration of cause and effect relationships, stimulus leading to response leading to alteration of the environment leading to new stimulus and so on. However, where behavioral psychology tends to limit its realm of inquiry to what Ken Wilber calls "Flatland", Buddhism extends over a much wider and deeper universe(4) (Wilber, 2000, pp.70-72).

The third Noble truth is the truth of Nirodha, or the cessation of Dukkha. In Boorstein’s words, the third Noble truth states that "The end of suffering – a non-struggling, peaceful mind – is a possibility" (Boorstein, 2002, p. 39). That there can be an end to Dukkha implies that there must be something that is outside of it. Since Dukkha is the primary reality of all that is mind and matter, that which is beyond Dukkha must also be beyond mind and matter. This "place", or state, is called Nirvana, and is important only in that it represents a final goal and a "place" in which Dukkha is finally overcome.

Though the Buddha was a practical teacher and refused to teach about a thing if "it is not useful, it is not fundamentally connected with the spiritual holy life…" (Rahula, 1974, p. 14) still, many attempts have been made to describe Nirvana. As the Buddha originally made clear, however, this is essentially a fruitless task since Nirvana is beyond comprehension by one who has not personally experienced it. All that is necessary to understand is that there is a final goal that is beyond the realm of Dukkha, Nirvana is this goal, and you will know it when you get there.

Nirodha is, however, more than just the concept of some place beyond all suffering that may or may not exist. Nirodha is also the promise that there is a way to realize this place, or state, and that any person can deliver her or himself from the world of suffering through dedication and practice.

Siddartha Gothama, the Buddha, investigated the nature of his own body and through deep meditation into his own nature discovered the cycle of conditioned arising that is part of the four Noble Truths. He realized that the reality of suffering is dependent on a process of constant reaction that goes on through the cycle of conditioned arising. He also realized that if this cycle (or chain, as it is often called), could be broken, then the process could begin to run in reverse. Rather than continuously creating more suffering, one could begin to unravel the great Gordian knot of past actions and move toward a place of greater internal peace and harmony.

In the cycle, contact with a sense object leads to sensing which leads to perception – recognition and valuation of good or bad. Once a valuation has been made, body sensations immediately arise and one starts liking them or disliking them.

The key to breaking the chain, and setting the process of becoming into reverse, is to learn to develop a sense of equanimity in which sensations can be observed without fear, judgment, craving, or aversion. This is, of course, not a simple thing to do. However, the Buddha taught that it is possible through practice of Vipassana meditation (which will be described later), and through adherence to Magga – The Eightfold Noble Path.

The most practical of the four Noble Truths is the fourth – Magga. This is the Noble Eightfold Path, and is the way taught by the Buddha to traverse the field of Dukkha and eventually arrive at Nirvana. The elements of the Noble Eightfold Path are described by Sylvia Boorstein as:

1. Wise Understanding: realizing the cause of suffering;
2. Wise Intention: motivation to end suffering;
3. Wise Speech: speaking in a way that cultivates clarity;
4. Wise Action: behaving in ways that maintain clarity;
5. Wise Livelihood: supporting oneself in a wholesome way;
6. Wise effort: cultivating skillful (peaceful) mind habits;
7. Wise Concentration: cultivating a steady, focused, ease-filled mind;
8. Wise Mindfulness: cultivating alert, balanced attention (Boorstein, 2002, p. 40).

Wise speech, action, and livelihood are grouped together into the category of Sila, or morality. This part of the path is built on the concept of universal love and deals with abstaining from all actions that are not wholesome and all actions (be they physical or vocal) that harm other beings or disturb their peace (Rahula, 1974, p. 46; Goenka, 2002).

Samadhi, the second division of the Noble path contains the elements of wise effort, wise mindfulness, and wise concentration. Together, these aspects of the path foster a sense of "one-pointed concentration of wholesome mind…" (Goenka, 2002). Without Samadhi, the practice of Sila is much more difficult, because it requires great effort, concentration, and mindfulness to abstain from harmful actions.

The third division of the Noble Eightfold Path is called panna (pronounced "punnya") and denotes the cultivation of insight through wise intention (thought) and wise understanding. Insight leads to wisdom and wisdom leads to understanding of the reasons for practicing all of the other divisions of the path. As the reasons for practice become clearer, the practice becomes stronger, and as the practice becomes stronger, the depth of insight increases. In this way, each element of the path works with all of the other elements to create a positive spiral of healing and spiritual growth (Rahula, 1974, pp. 46-50; Goenka, 2002)

Each of the Noble Truths defines a function that needs to be performed by one who wishes to follow the Buddhist way. With respect to Dukkha, the Truth of the nature of life, the function of the Buddhist is to understand it clearly. With respect to Samudaya, the origin of Dukkha through the cause and effect actions of craving and aversion, the Buddhist must make every effort to destroy or eradicate it. The third Noble Truth is Nirodha, the cessation of Dukkha in the state of Nirvana, and the function performed by the Buddhist is to realize it. Finally, Magga is the path to liberation, and here it is the function of the practitioner to follow it (Rahula, 1974, p. 50). By performing these functions, Buddhist teaching predicts that one will find benefits of greater peace of mind, greater harmony, greater sense of purpose, and greater contentment here and now, in this life. Moreover, these benefits are seen to be equally applicable to anyone who follows the Path, be they Buddhist, Christian, Moslem, or Jew. The Path is not seen to be sectarian, but is simply a road to walk toward a more peaceful way of being.

Improving intimate relationships is not a direct goal of Buddhism, and in fact there is very little Buddhist doctrine directed toward relationships. Buddhist monks do not (for the most part) perform marriage vows and do not have any authority to say that a marriage should or should not be dissolved. Bikkhus (monks) may "give their ‘blessing’ after the civil wedding-ceremony has been performed. But even this is really more of a concession to the laity than anything else" (Walshe, 1986, p. 9). In addition, though the Buddhist tradition has its own correlate for the Christian commandment of "thou shalt not commit adultery", the intention behind the Buddhist precept is much different. While the Christian commandment is clearly a law, the Buddhist precept to "not commit adultery" (Rahula, 1974, p. 80) is more of a guideline for good practice. Adultery is not seen by a Buddhist as a sin so much as it is seen as a practice that has unhealthy and unhappy consequences, and one that can cause a person to stray from the Path. There is therefore no moral judgment on the subject, simply the understanding that committing adultery is harmful to one’s self and to others (Walshe, 1986). Though the Buddha did not speak against marriage, he considered it as more of a hindrance than an aide, and monks remain celibate while they wear the robes(5).

Buddhism, therefore, does not concern itself greatly with intimate relationships. However, the goals of Buddhism are to increase the ability of the practitioner to live a peaceful, loving, and healthy life. The Noble Eightfold Path is one that discourages the use of alcohol and intoxicants, discourages actions that are harmful or hurtful be they physical or vocal, and encourages responsibility, caring, selfless love, understanding, and compassion. The Noble Path, in fact, challenges the Buddhist to develop the capacity to relate to all others with a greater sense of compassion and greater ability to find communion in the shared experience of the act of being human.

The practice of the Dhamma (living in accord with Buddhist principles), and the practice of committed relationship can be mutually enhancing. Relationship is a crucible wherein the qualities represented by the noble eightfold path may, and even must, be employed and so the practice of Dhamma and the path of committed relationship may share many common goals. It must be remembered, however, that practice of the Dhamma is bigger than relationship, extending into much wider realms. The path of Dhamma may be practiced through relationship, but the Dhamma will eventually transcend relationship. It is for this reason that this study is entitled "The Dhamma Path Through Relationship". Mindful attention to practice of the Buddhist principles represented by the four Noble Truths seems likely to be an aide to finding peace and harmony in relationship. However, such a practice is a path through relationship on the way to someplace else – not a practice in which relationship is the end goal.

To understand the practice of Vipassana, it is first necessary to have an idea of what meditation is, of what principle forms of meditation exist, and of the relative benefits and detriments of these various forms. Meditation is a term that describes all concentrative practices somewhat in the way that the classification "animal" describes all living beings that are not plants, fungi, monerans or protists. There are commonalities in all things called "meditation", but there is tremendous variety in the intent, form, and effect of these things.

Just as the members of the animal kingdom are classified through division into phyla, classes, orders, etc. forms of meditation can be divided into a number of large categories, each with many subcategories. An exhaustive list of even the large categories is not practical within the scope of this review. However, most forms of meditation involve holding the attention of the mind through use of an object of concentration, and these "objects" can include anything from an image of a deity, to a sound, to awareness of body or breath. The type, or form, of object used as the focal point is one way of categorizing different meditation practices.

Many types of meditation teach concentration through focus on an external object such as the flame of a candle, a light, or an image of a deity. Focus on these images creates an anchor to which one can return over and over as the mind attempts to follow its habitual path of erratic jumps from thought to thought. Through dedicated concentration, the object of focus absorbs all attention, and the mind grows still. This is one purpose of meditation – to still the mind and to learn to better control it. "Sitting is, among other things, the practice of self-control" (Fleischman, 1999, p. 7).

If the chosen object of focus is a deity, then the object becomes not only an object of focus, but also an object of intent. Through intent directed toward the qualities of the deity, the meditator gradually begins to realize these qualities to a greater extent in his or her life. Similarly, if the object of focus is a mantra(6) then the meaning of the word or syllables, and the vibration of their sound are thought to convey specific qualities. Here again, the object of focus serves the double purpose of concentrating the mind, and of conveying specific qualities to the person who is meditating.

The object of focus in these techniques, visual or aural, can be either external or internal. Visual focal objects can be pictures, idols, objects from nature, mandalas, or any physical object. They can also be the mental representation or visualization of this object even if it is not physically present. So too, focal sounds can be any repeated word, sound, or prayer, and can be either uttered out loud or repeated silently in the mind. Whether internal or external, the purpose of focus and concentration is fulfilled.(7) Whether a Christian prayer, a Buddhist chant, or a Hindu mantra is chosen, the common result of concentration through sound and devotion is present.

Meditation, therefore, is not the exclusive domain of Buddhism, nor even of Eastern religions. Meditation is a part of every religion in one form or another, and is generally used as a way to approach more closely to the mysteries that reside in the worlds beyond words, thoughts, and conceptualizations. However, thoughts and concepts can themselves become objects of meditation, and are used in this fashion in analytical meditation forms. "In this type of meditation, one uses reasoning," the Dalai Lama explains. "Reasoning can enhance positive states of mind and overcome the attitudes, thoughts and emotions that lead to suffering and dissatisfaction" (Cutler, 2001, p. 34).

One’s physical body is yet another focus for meditation, and is the basis of the practice of Vipassana, which will be introduced shortly. Focus on the body can include such things as utilization of specific postures to attain specific results (as in some forms of yoga, or meditation on a mudra(8)) or focusing on a process such as breathing or walking. Body awareness meditation can also range in subtlety from a comparatively gross and large-scale awareness of positions or movements to an extremely subtle awareness of minute sensations as they arise and pass away in all parts of the body.

In addition to the categories of meditation form, there are also categories describing the goals of meditative practice. Ken Wilber describes these goals as existing on three levels: Nirmanakaya, Sambhogakaya, and Dharmakaya (1996, p. 112).

Nirmanakaya represents those practices that focus mainly on body energies and include such things as the practice of hatha yoga, kundalini yoga, kriya yoga, pranayama, and other body or body-energy oriented practices. Sambhogakaya practices are those that deal with a higher level of energy and attainment and are focused on subtle levels of attainment of bliss. Dharmakaya deals with what Wilber calls the causal regions.

A simplification of these three goal categories could be thought of as "body", "soul", and "transcendence". Meditative practices focused on "body" generally deal with physical health and well-being, unblocking of body energy meridians, and stabilization of the conscious mind and thought process. Those that focus on what I have called "soul" are generally also effective in the physical realm and will help with body health. However, the goal of these practices is not centered on body health, but is instead directed toward realization of the subtler energies of mind in what Wilber refers to as "…the high subtle regions" (Wilber, 1996, p. 112). Practices of this sort are exemplified by Kirpal Sing, an Indian teacher who inspired his followers to realize an inward connection with the high-subtle realm which is

Dharmakaya practices are forms of meditation and practice that have effective benefits in both the areas of "body" and "soul", but do not focus on these areas(9). Instead, Dharmakaya practices focus on realization of non-duality, and inquiry into the causal field of consciousness. "This is total and utter transcendence and release into Formless Consciousness, Boundless Radiance" (Wilber, 1996, p.84). In realization of the high-causal realm there is "…no meditator, and no meditation, nor is there any awareness of an absence of these. There is only radiance"(Hixon, 1978 as cited in Wilber, 1996, p.85).

The goal of a meditative practice is an extremely important consideration when deciding on a form to which to devote time and energy. Meditation is a tool, like any other tool, and it is not generally helpful to use it for purposes other than it is intended. Just as a screwdriver does a poor job of hammering a nail but is very useful for turning screws, so too visualization of a particular object is very good for concentrating the mind, but is not a particularly effective way to develop insight. Developing the ability to hold a yoga pose can be very helpful in keeping the body healthy, but is not necessarily an effective way to examine the deep unconscious of the mind. Though most meditation techniques lead in a similar direction, some have the power to go much further along the path than others. In addition, some meditation techniques can actually hinder growth by creating stronger projections of what one wishes to be true, rather than helping to see what really IS.

If one’s goal is to look deeply into the nature of things as they truly are, Vipassana meditation is a good choice of practice. Vipassana is a form of practice that utilizes observation of sensations in the body (bhavana) as its object of concentration, and one that resides in Wilber’s classification of Dharmakaya (Wilber, 1996 p. 112). However, it has several special claims that set it apart from other body-oriented forms of meditation, as well as from other forms of object oriented practice.

The concept denoted by "Vipassana-bhavana" denotes "…the systematic development of insight through the meditation technique of observing the reality of oneself by observing sensations within the body" (Goenka, 1987, p.123). Vipassana literally means to "see clearly", and though it is derived from principles elucidated in the Buddhist thought system, it is a non-sectarian practice consisting of "ordinary experience plus mindfulness plus equanimity yielding insight and purification…" (Marlatt, 2002). The non-sectarian nature of Vipassana is an important part of the teaching, as Vipassana is intended for people of all races and creeds. Somewhat in the way that the discovery of the principles of flight has enabled people of all religions to travel by airplane, proponents of Vipassana stress that observation of the reality of sensations in the body can be practiced by all people, regardless of their world-view or religious beliefs.

In contrast with other practices that utilize stable objects, sounds, or visualizations as concentration points, the focus of Vipassana is the constantly changing process of arising and passing away of sensations in the body. Rather than concentrating on an external object or sound, or an internal projection of an object or concept, Vipassana teaches the meditator to focus on the reality of his or her own body, as it is in the moment. In addition, rather than being mindful of relatively large scale movements or feelings as in other forms of mindfulness meditation, Vipassana works to constantly sharpen the awareness and move to deeper, subtler levels of experience. These differences in focus make a huge difference in the ultimate results obtained through the practice.

Returning to the summary of Buddhism presented earlier, it may be remembered that in the four Noble Truths, Buddhist teaching explains that there is suffering in the world, that suffering arises out of the mind’s struggle in response to challenge, that there is an alternative to suffering, and that there is a way of living that will lead to this alternative. Vipassana is a practical tool by which the necessary self-discipline, self-awareness, and deep understanding may be developed in order to walk the path of enlightenment that the Buddha mapped out(10).

The object of focus in Vipassana meditation is not something that is fixed, but is instead the ebb, flow, and change of sensation within the body. As discussed earlier in the description of the cycle of conditioned arising, contact of the body’s sense organs with sense objects creates a chain reaction of sensing, perceiving, feeling (sensation arising in the body), and reacting. In Buddhist teaching, every thought in the mind is inseparably united with a sensation or group of sensations somewhere in the body. Therefore, if one becomes aware of sensations, one then also becomes indirectly aware of thoughts.

In Vipassana meditation, the meditator practices sitting still with whatever thoughts and sensations arise in the body. As awareness sharpens, the mind is able to move ever more deeply into the body, and to perceive ever more subtle sensations. The focus of the meditator is to remain constantly aware of what is happening in the body, while maintaining an understanding that all that arises will also pass away. Every sensation that comes must also eventually go, as it is the nature of the universe to change. Therefore there is no need to react, though sensations may seem to be painful or pleasurable. The function is to simply be aware, to maintain a sense of equal mind (equanimity) to all sensations, and to work to stop the struggle of the mind between what is wanted and what truly is(11). In this way, awareness is brought into the cycle of conditioned arising, the chain is broken before reactions can occur, and the cycle begins to run in reverse (Goenka, 1987; Vipassana Research Institute, 1996). This very basic and fundamentally simple process can lead a meditator through progressive stages of self awareness, gradually unraveling the knots of experience that have formed. Initially addressing physical and surface mental complexes, awareness is gradually refined and purified sinking through layer after layer toward the goal of realization of the infinite.

Though there have been relatively few studies done to determine empirically the effectiveness of Vipassana meditation, available studies tend to agree that Vipassana does have positive physical, psychological, and emotional effects. One such study found that following a seven day Vipassana retreat for teen-age and young adult participants in Thailand "…the self perceptions of participants were more favorable, and coping became characterized by greater maturity and less reactivity to common stressors" (Emavardhana, 1997). A related study of people who had taken a 10-day Vipassana course in Muscat, Oman suggested "that the practice of Vipassana meditation may help mitigate psychological and psychosomatic distress" (Al-Hussaini, 2001).

A study currently in progress in Seattle is evaluating Vipassana’s effectiveness as an intervention technique for inmate populations. Though the results of this study have not been finalized, preliminary findings indicate that inmates who have learned to meditate are less likely to return to prison than inmates with similar backgrounds who have not learned meditation (Marlatt, 2002). Similarly, results of studies carried out in Indian prisons suggest that inmates who have learned Vipassana meditation show an increased degree of awareness of their emotions leading to a reduction in feelings of anger, tension, and hostility (Chandiramani, 1995; Khurana, 2000).

Vipassana meditation is not necessarily a cure-all, and does have possible negative consequences. This meditation technique is a powerful tool for penetrating the system of ego defenses that a person has developed and laying open patterns of established behavior. Undergoing this sort of intense self-scrutiny can cause a high degree of anxiety in some people, and can result in adverse emotional experiences, or the exacerbation of psychiatric problems (Emavardhana, 1997). Truth, it seems, is not always a welcome visitor.

Though Vipassana must be used only with great care by people who are experiencing psychosis or other severe mental disturbances, for people who are in possession of a reasonably healthy sense of self, it can have great benefits. My own experience as a meditator attests to the fact that it is extremely difficult to gain insight into one’s own thoughts, feelings, and "humanness" without also developing a greater appreciation for the humanity in others. Though the abstract goal of Nirvana may be very far away, still the technique of Vipassana can have a powerful positive influence in this life, in this moment, and in whatever place or situation in which it is practiced.

The experience of Vipassana meditation is one that directs a meditator toward ever-deepening understanding of both the frailty and the nobility of the human condition. Through deep focus on the experience of sensation in the body, the reality of the transitory nature of all things (annicca) becomes apparent – not simply as an intellectual idea but as a felt sense of truth within the body. So too, as one plumbs the depths of the mind, the terrific internal pain that arises as a result of such things as anger, hatred, and ill-will towards others begins to be actually felt. Normally, this pain is covered over by layers of defenses that render people distant from their bodies and unaware of their own emotions or feelings. Once one has come into contact with these deep and painful layers and experienced the direct cause and effect relationship between the painful feelings and angry or violent actions, it becomes more difficult to sustain feelings of hatred and enmity. Instead, one becomes increasingly aware that each moment of life is precious and that each moment of contact with a loved partner is something to be cherished. The concerns that once caused discord can gradually be given a new perspective, and the need for control can be relaxed. Vipassana develops the intent, while also providing the tools, for practicing constant awareness of the necessity of choice as well as awareness of the internal effects of choices made.

Viktor Frankl once suggested that the Statue of Liberty on the East coast of the United States should be balanced by a Statue of Responsibility on the West coast (Frankl, 1984). As one develops greater understanding of the deep inner consequences of one’s own actions, the intimate connection between freedom, choice, and responsibility becomes more clear. Within an intimate relationship, this awareness is one that may gently move each partner to ever-greater levels of respect and care for themselves; with this care for self can come true compassion for another.

The paradox of a loving relationship is that there is a constant tension between forces of individuation and forces of union – "The individuality and togetherness forces" (Gilbert, 1992, p. 12). On the one hand, the highest ideals of relationship are ones of joining, merging two souls, communion, and sharing of two lives as one. On the other hand, part of the human condition is to be a separate self, charged with the task of individuation and with the process of maturing into a person who knows her or his own wishes and needs. That these two goals (to one degree or another) exist side by side on a daily basis within all intimate relationships is one explanation for why there is such turmoil in the quest for "love".

Relationship, it seems, is an aspect of the togetherness force, while love may be associated with either of the two forces. The fact that love and relationship are so closely associated with each other can be confusing, and it is sometimes difficult to distinguish one from the other. "That is why it is important to clarify and distinguish the two, to insist that love is the experience, a relationship the medium (together with mind) in which love develops" (Solomon, 2001, p. 83). Love itself is, of course, not easily defined and distinctions must be made here as well. Consider the ideas of love represented by the following quotations:

It is very difficult to build an understanding of relationship without first defining what is meant by love, and as is shown by the definitions above, love is an exceptionally diverse and multifaceted concept. Yet, a study of relationship, I believe, would be rendered somewhat suspect if there was no attempt to define the territory in which love roams. To do this, it is necessary to understand a bit of the history behind present day conceptions of love, as well as to look at some of the theories and stories by which love is perceived.

What passes for "love" on the movie screen, in popular song, and in much of Western Culture is often referred to in literature as "Romantic Love" (Schnarch, 1997; Welwood, 1990; Solomon, 2001; Gilbert, 1992) and this sort of love has its beginnings in the middle ages with the idea of courtly love. What is often misunderstood about romantic love is that it is only a beginning in the spectrum of the development of love, (McKeen, 1996) and in the modern day context it is a relatively short-lived phenomenon. Though romantic love once had a relatively positive purpose, in the modern day context it is more often a bane than a blessing. Far from the goal of highest aspiration, in which capacity it often resides in the modern media, romantic love is a fleeting and capricious state that is poorly advised as a basis for long-term decisions or commitments.

In the context of the medieval court, romantic love had the possibility of being maintained over a reasonably long term and to be somewhat stable – if not particularly satisfying. Within this context, marriage, romance, and sex were completely separate ideas. Though the separation of the three was the cause of a great deal of angst, this separation was also the essential ingredient that allowed for stability within the romantic relationship.

The social pressures of the time dictated that marriage be arranged with respect to duty, or for purposes of material gain or support – a convention that effectively removed romance and love from the arena of most marriages. However, the "togetherness" force is very strong and relationship without real contact or caring is not fulfilling. For those who had the time and leisure to consider it, the drive to unite with another person in a loving way was very strong.

Though the structure of society was such that realization of the drive for union was virtually impossible, unhappy marriage partners learned to direct their romantic aspirations toward safely unobtainable goals. The romantic love of a Knight for his unobtainable Lady (and vice versa) developed to the point that love of one for the other became closer to worship of God or Goddess. This love was something that could only exist outside of marriage, and that could only exist if there was no opportunity for extended contact. Actually being in contact with the person who is the object of devotion is one of the best ways to kill romantic love, for it is impossible for any mortal to live up to the dreams of divine perfection projected by another.

However, love of this sort was a great relief to the boredom and drudgery of marriage. In fact, romantic love can be seen as a rebellion to the often painful and distasteful situations engendered by marriage unions (Welwood, 1990, p. 2). Trapped within the rigid structures of feudal society, the Knight and the Lady used the fantasy that they built of each other as an escape and an antidote to a situation that was otherwise often highly distressing. Modern day affairs are often built on a similar basis.

Sex was, of course, forbidden to romantic lovers and this proved to be an exceptionally strong reason for continued interest in the relationship. There is nothing better for a "love" story than a tragic reason that the two lovers cannot get together; the struggle to unite against all odds becomes the crucible in which each are tested and in which their individuality (and the story) is grown. Though the ending of these stories is generally unhappy, the main characters are endowed with a strong desire to be better for the sake of the other. Thus, forged out of a Freudian sublimation of the sexual drive, romantic love became a powerful force for betterment of self and search for perfection(13).

Though it seems somewhat paradoxical, the strong desire for union engendered by romantic love was transformed into personal growth and differentiation(14) of "self" in the context of the medieval court. This was made possible due to the separation of the two main forces at work within all human relationships. On one side is "togetherness" - the force of attraction and the desire for union manifested by feelings of yearning or fears of abandonment, and on the other is "individuality" - the force of repulsion and need for differentiation, manifested by feelings of inundation or fears of being engulfed (Gilbert, 1992; Rosenberg & Kitaen-Morse, 1996; Welwood, 1990; Schnarch, 1997). In the medieval court these two forces were held apart by the strict rules and harsh punishments of the society. Their separation created a very strong state of desire in lovers that remained stable due to the fact that consummation of their love was an extremely hazardous enterprise. Many a romantic love ended with the union, and subsequent speedy capture, of the lovers – a fact that further empowered tragic romantic mythology. Modern day romantic love, however, is not restricted by such rigid social structures. When desire arises, it is often quickly sated, and so functionality of romantic love for the purpose of self-growth is mostly lost.

Moreover, romantic love in feudal times was available only to the select few who had the power, time, and leisure available to them to be able to move beyond survival considerations and duty to the collective community. It is only in quite recent times, with the advent of an affluent and individualistically inclined culture that romantic love has become available to a majority of people - at least in Western Cultures (Solomon, 2001).

Though highly sought after, romantic love has proven to be quite problematical, and the near 50% divorce rate sported by the United States and Canada (Sternberg, 1998) p. 6) is a tribute to the double edge of its sword. Romantic love in modern times has lost the connection with the divine that is the only thing that made it worthwhile in the first place. Hollywood type love stories promote the sad belief that fulfillment can be found in a dream, that love is both the way to salvation and a feeling that is inextricably bound to physical attractiveness and that, once found, the feeling of love will continue into "happily ever after". Confused by a materialistic society and a decline in trust in spiritual traditions, modern citizens of Western culture are often left in the sad position of believing that romantic love is the highest ideal that there is to live for (Nyanasobhano, 1991).

Divorce rate statistics seem to be a cause for alarm, and are often quoted with reference to the good old days and the moral decline of modern civilization. However, there is some cause to think that things may not be quite so glum as they seem.

If we were to step ahead in time a few centuries and look back at the contributions to love made by the society of today, it is likely that this time would be seen as a great seething cauldron in which the search for meaning in relationship was being played out, and the path toward a balance of the forces of individuation and of union was being forged. For, among its many facets, love is a socially constructed concept, and is one that is deeply rooted in the collective history of a society, as well as in the personal history of a woman or a man. Love is, at least in part, "…a Story" (Sternberg, 1998, p. X) and the stories of love that are brought into the individual relationships of today form the mythology of tomorrow.

Individual stories, or themes, of love vary from themes where the "other" is seen as a teacher, a victim, or an object in one role or another, to those where the partner is a fellow traveler, a helpmate, a recovery nurse, or an equal and respected individual. Relationships may be built on themes of conflict, fantasy, home building, business, and many others (Sternberg, 1998).

Modern writers on the theme of relationship may be categorized according to the particular story from which they write, and in my readings two major categories stand out. Many writers come from a point of view where love and relationship are seen as a "cookbook" (Sternberg, 1998), or a recipe. Writers and therapists who work from this point of view tend to prescribe solutions, name principles, and suggest particular techniques whereby love can be made better, or by which relationships can be healed. Sources of this sort include the writings of John Gottman (1999) and his Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work that speaks of techniques for nurturing fondness, solving problems, overcoming gridlock, and creating shared meaning. Other themes for this style of relationship, or relationship therapy, include the idea that there are common predictable patterns in relationships, and that these patterns can be overcome with the use of special relationship techniques. Using sets of questions to get to know your partner better and specific exercises for nurturing closeness, appreciation, compassion, honesty, dialogue, time, vision, freedom, play and surprise are given as ways for improving relationship (Jaksch, 2002).

Other authors suggest that setting goals, (Fincham, 1999) enhancing perceptions of equity (Larson, 1998), improving communication (Gordon, 1999), and teaching acceptance of emotions (Denton, 2000) are methods of improving satisfaction and happiness in marriage.

Looking for ways of predicting the outcomes of relationships are also common with the cookbook style of relationship story, and articles citing ways to tell if a marriage will last or if therapy will be successful are quite common (Patz, 2000; Wagner, 1999; Bray, 1995).

The other main category of relationship literature that I have identified focuses on the idea of relationship as "path". From this point of view, relationship is seen not so much as an end in itself, but as an especially effective means of promoting personal and spiritual growth. The primary motivation for relationship from this perspective "is not sex or companionship or children or the convenience of a relationship but a sense of self worth" (Solomon, 2001, p. 239). In other words, though techniques for enhancing relationship are considered well and good, this perspective sees the search for self within relationship to be a much deeper and more personal journey. The fundamental truth of relationships for those who consider relationship to be a path of self-discovery is "as without, so within" (Welwood, 1990, p. 120). All that arises externally is seen as a mirror of internal processes, and relationship is thus a way of gaining insight into self.

It is at this point in the narrative of this study that I (the author) will begin to make my own voice more clearly known. This is a qualitative work, focused on understanding the experience of relationship, and as such the relationship of author to audience, and researcher to that being researched, should not be ignored. My own biases toward, and opinions about, relationship cannot help but color the tone and intent with which I write the words that you are reading; to ignore the relationship between the person behind the keys of this computer and the person reading the script is to ignore the most basic premise from which the text is written.

The transition that you have just witnessed is a transition from a writing style steeped mainly in the right hand upper quadrant (objective, "it") of Wilber’s four quadrant model of the full spectrum of experience to the upper left hand quadrant (subjective, "I"). In making this change, I am hoping to step from behind the one-way mirror that is a pretense at objectivity, and move into a place where my relationship with what I write, who I am writing to, and what I am studying will be evident as a complex and interlinked set of connections.

At this point in the narrative, it should be reasonably clear that I believe meditation to be a good and helpful thing, and that I have a special appreciation for Vipassana as my practice of choice. Though Buddhism is a system of thought that seems to make a great deal of sense to me, I have been brought up in a primarily Christian culture and therefore have many ties to the Christian religion and world-view. I do not find that my Buddhist and Christian beliefs are in conflict with each other, however, but rather that they compliment each other quite nicely in most cases. I am also a product of North American (specifically Canadian) culture, and have been steeped in the dream of romantic love that is so omnipresent in this present time.

It is important for you (the reader) to know this, as it has a bearing on what I will say and on the questions that I ask about relationship. If I were a native of Samoa, for instance, the idea of romantic love would likely not be something that I would even consider. Due to a culture in which sex is not made artificially scarce through conventions of possessiveness and moral strictures against sexual license, "…romantic love as it occurs in our civilization, inextricably bound up with ideas of monogamy, exclusiveness, jealousy and undeviating fidelity does not occur in Samoa…" (Mead, nd. as cited in Solomon, 2001, p. 49) I am not a native of Samoa, however, and so my ideas of relationship have been built on the popular stories of Western culture – "Romeo and Juliet", "Casablanca", "When Harry Met Sally". I am of a generation in which the constant barrage of the media is virtually inescapable and in which it is difficult to find a song, or a movie, or a television show, in which the ideal of romantic love is not pressed into weary service.

I am also a product of Puritan ethics and Victorian prudery that have wended their way through time to instill vestiges of guilt and shame in the idea of the sexual act. As well, my ancestors must have been among the troubadours singing hopefully beneath the window to a fair lady’s tall tower for I have found tendencies to place my loves on uncomfortable pedestals. Paradoxically, I am also a product of the sexual revolution with ideals of free love arm wrestling gamely with Catholic ideals of monogamy.

In my search to better understand the meaning of love, I have found that my own ability to derive meaning from the joys and tribulations of my experiences is bound closely to a perception that love is about personal path. My own story, then, is tied much more strongly to the ideal of looking through the lens of love to nurture and grow a stronger and more caring sense of self, than it is to stories in which love and relationship are a business proposition(15), a sacrifice(16), or even a garden.(17). Though I find that techniques and tools from the relationship cookbook approach can be helpful, I also find that they are not enough to answer the deeper existential questions or to fill the deep longings and stirrings of my soul.

The first noble truth of Buddhism – Dukkha – refers to the fact that it is impossible to avoid pain in life; the fourth noble truth – Magga – explains how the cycles of pain and suffering can be accepted with more artistry and grace, and eventually transcended entirely. In the Buddhist tradition, the bad news is that suffering exists and must be accepted. The good news is that there are ways in which life can be lived with artistry and joy and in which suffering can be transformed into meaning and personal growth toward a higher purpose. In general, Buddhists have a very practical outlook on life, believing that it is more helpful to accept and work with things as they are than to attempt to escape through fantasies of what one believes to be better, or to control by way of beliefs of the way that things should be.

Just as Jesus’ actions in the temple, when he threw out the moneylenders, deny that Christian humility is the same thing as weakness, so too the Buddhist attitude toward acceptance of "what is" is not a fatalistic resignation to the whims of fate. Acceptance of reality in its aspects of external circumstances, internal perception and acceptance of the responsibility for personal choice that is an inherent condition of being human, implies an attitude of strong determination and a focus on unequivocal goals. Walking a spiritual path, be it Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, or any other, requires a special kind of courage, a special dedication, and a determination to use the events that unfold as a way to work toward a higher goal. As Nietzsche said, "He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how", (As cited in Frankl, 1984, p. 97) and it is the ability to derive meaning from life that makes the difference between emptiness and fulfillment.

Though often, and unfortunately, confused with spirituality, relationship as path is actually a subset of the human search for meaning. If relationship becomes an ultimate goal, or if it becomes entangled in romantic ideals of love where the partner becomes a means of salvation, then the meaning of "path" is lost. Path denotes that there is an ideal that is beyond understanding, yet which underlies all that exists and all that is a part of human experience. Path becomes distorted if relationship is seen as an end in itself, an avenue to heavenly bliss and realization of a greater sense of being. Path is also distorted if it becomes affixed to the physical, earth-bound aspect of a particular person in a form of addiction and inability to let go.

Letting go into the joy and pain of love is a task that, like devotion to a spiritual path, requires a great deal of courage and dedication. As such, many people who believe that they desire an intimate and loving relationship are not actually prepared to do the work involved in creating one, or choose to live with stories in which love is not a path and personal growth is not a priority. I am not attempting to put a judgment on this type of choice, as I do not believe that one kind of story is inherently better than another. However, I do believe that many people become confused by the discrepancy between their expectations of relationship and the realities within which they live. Choosing to include love as a part of an overall path in life is one way of beginning to reconcile these discrepancies, and to begin building more satisfying relationships.

The discrepancy between expectation and reality, you may recall, is the second noble truth of Buddhism, Samudaya, and is not confined only to relationship. Reality often does not live up to hopes and expectations, and this sense of separation is often enhanced by the strictures of religion. While very few people would argue with the Golden Rule of "Love thy neighbor as thyself", there are also very few people who consistently live by this rule. In the same way, while most people would profess to desire a happy and fulfilling relationship, it is somewhat difficult to actually find a working example of such a thing.

The question, then, is how to go about reconciling the discrepancies, and it is a question that is enthusiastically answered by relational "cookbooks" as discussed earlier. However, the techniques involved, when boiled down to their basic essence turn out to be values such as intimacy, commitment, compassion, empathy, truthfulness, kindness, respect, and peacefulness and skills such as seeing clearly, self control, and redirecting thoughts (Jaksch, 2002; McKeen, 1996; Gilbert, 1992). Somewhat unsurprisingly, this set of values corresponds rather well with the ideals for behavior taught by most religions, and is remarkably close to the suggestions for living given by Siddartha Gothama in his Eight-fold Noble Path(18).

Though the ideals are well known, and have been well-known for millennia, the problem remains that they are not easy to practice. It is far easier to say "Love thy neighbor" than it is to actually practice this when he forgets to return your hammer for the 27^th time, or refuses to help pay for the fence that you both agreed to build between your properties. It is even harder to practice in a relationship at the height of a power struggle when your partner is convinced that she is going to take the new job in Chicago, and you are sure that she is ruining your life by forcing you to leave Fairbanks.

The idea of relationship as path can help to give positive meaning to situations like these and to de-escalate the tensions that are involved. Focus on self, a strong sense of values, and a higher goal or ideal can help to reframe the perceived context and to create avenues for resolution that would not otherwise exist. As self-awareness and self-knowledge increase, so too does the overall differentiation of self and with this differentiation comes a greater ability to respond with skill to the vicissitudes of life, love, and relationship. Greater self-awareness also helps to uncover the hidden base of most relational fears – the paradox of longing for union while needing to become an individual.

While there are many ways of covering over the longing in our hearts, of running from it, projecting it outward, drowning it, or attempting to fill it through union with another, I heartily agree with John Welwood when he says:

From my twelve years of experience as a meditator, I believe that there are few, if any, practices that can be as effective in the development of practical understanding of how to move closer to living relational and spiritual ideals as that of Vipassana meditation.

The personal meaning that an individual attaches to both love and relationship is constructed from personal experience, family values, societal history, biological imperatives, and spiritual longings. The incredible complexity of this mixture of drives, desires, longings and needs is all played out in the arena of intimate relationship, where each individual attempts to reconcile their own version of desired reality with their perception of the situation in which they find themselves.

Few, if any, societies in the history of the human race have successfully tackled the problem of creating happiness in marriage where sex, passion, love, commitment, equality and respect are all joined into a single package. Indeed, few societies have ever before given the general mass of their population the freedom and resources needed to obtain a level of individuality in which this kind of love can exist in the first place.

Romantic love, as it was practiced in the medieval court, was an early attempt to find fulfilling relationship. It worked, to a certain extent, because the strong force of togetherness was held at bay by the rigid requirements of the society and lovers were able to maintain their deified idolation of each other. Though romantic love is still held as the ideal by most of the modern media, it is in reality unworkable in the modern context where there are no strict injunctions to separate desire and consummation, and therefore rapid disillusionment with the idolized romantic partner is very common(19).

There are many ways in which the problem of creating fulfilling relationships has been addressed. Some authors believe that relationship is like a cookbook, and can be fixed by applying techniques somewhat like a meal can be prepared with the help of recipes. Experimental results have shown that these types of approaches can be effective in resolving marital discord, but it is my opinion that they do not address many of the deeper questions. Technique is a helpful ally, but technique on its own does not necessarily create understanding.

A second way of working with relationship is to begin with an understanding that the two forces spoken of by the Toaists as Yin and Yang, personified by the Hindus as Shakti and Shiva, judged by Christians as good and evil, unified by Buddhists as annicca (change), and spoken of in this paper as togetherness and individuality are at the base of all human interaction. With this base as a starting point, it is also asserted that differentiation of self, focus on self-awareness, and individual responsibility for choice in all actions is paradoxically essential for the development of strong relationships. The goals and values that are associated with development of self in this way are also associated with the teachings of most religions, and appear to be in line with a universal set of truths about human functioning.

Though the desirability of living in accord with the truths and virtues proselytized by prophets and philosophers alike is seldom denied, the ability to actually practice these ideals is highly uncommon. This fact sets up an opposition between perceived reality and desired reality that is conflicting, discordant, and often painful. Siddartha Gothama, the Buddha, observed these phenomena and through intense self-investigation formulated the four Noble Truths of Dukkha, Samudaya, Nirodha, and Magga that lie at the heart of Buddhism. Like other founders of great religions, Siddartha Gothama recognized that there are higher ideals that can be lived by and that greater peace of mind will accompany accepting these ideals. Unlike other leaders, he also formulated a specific form of practice to help people to realize these truths for themselves.

The practice that the Buddha handed down to the generations of his followers was that of Vipassana meditation – a technique dedicated to learning to see clearly through the practice of intense and subtle self-examination. As we have established, self-knowledge and understanding are basic to realization of relationship as path. Though the purpose and intent of Vipassana meditation is not the development of relationship, I believe that the skills and philosophy that it teaches are both highly applicable to building strong and lasting relationships.

Methodology

This is a qualitative study based on the methodological procedures of phenomenology and on existential philosophical tenets. As such, procedures used in gathering and processing information were centered on building a conceptual image of the lived experience of a small number of people. In contrast to quantitative studies, emphasis was placed on the subjective experience of study participants rather than on gathering data to be used in statistical enquiry.

Phenomenology has been selected as the methodology of choice because of its strong correlation with my own belief that there can be no truly "objective" interaction between people. Phenomenology is based on the supposition that on a very basic level, the observer and the observed are not separate from each other, and are in a constant state of affecting one another. Even though I may never know who you are, dear reader, I have written to you and my words have been affected by the fact that I have an audience.

Even before Descartes wrote his famous words "Cogito ergo sum", and certainly since, there has been a strong tendency to consider the mind as being separate from the body and the observer or thinker as being detached from what is being observed or thought. In fact, much of the trend of scientific thought from the Renaissance to the present has been bent on solidifying the idea of "objectivity" that is central to the scientific method. Separation, reductionism, and a search for determinism have been the hallmark of scientific thought over the past several centuries. From Newton’s pool ball atoms and clockwork heavens, to Skinner’s stimulus-response behaviorism, the world in its popular conception has been reduced from its pre-scientific mythical/magical state to one in which the only reality considered is the one that can be observed, dissected, and counted. The idea that objectivity is possible has become so commonplace as to be considered unquestionable.

Objective observation has an extremely important role to play, and is responsible for many of the advancements that have created what we call the modern world. However, even physicists have long ago shown that it is actually impossible to observe physical phenomena without affecting what is observed, and in the realm of psychology the idea of objectivity is even more insubstantial. Though psychology has attempted to join the physical sciences as an objective science in its own right, the fact remains that psychological investigation is carried out with living (and often human) subjects, and "The subject is a living body in a world of intentional significance. It is not a pure reactive system as imagined by Behaviourism" (Thines, 1977, p. 18). Even if it were possible to conduct an investigation of human behavior without the investigation affecting the behavior in any way, it is unlikely that the observations could be made completely free of the influence of the researcher’s presuppositions.

"Methodology rests upon philosophy" (Valle, 1978, p. 54), and as we have seen the philosophical basis for phenomenology is that of intrinsic relatedness between the observer, the act of observing, and that which is observed. Working from this basic assumption, the difficulty arises that investigations must be subjectively based, and if this is the case, how can reliable results be obtained?

Moving a step closer to practical application, the phenomenological researcher works with the reality of connectedness by acknowledging its pervasiveness and by including it as a part of the study. As I have noted several times already, I am an integral part of the results as well as the process of this study, and so it is very important for me, and for you, to know of my opinions, presuppositions, and ways of thinking. Combining an understanding of my own thoughts and prejudices with the subjective experiences of the people that were interviewed has provided the phenomenological matrix from which common themes and images can emerge. "Phenomenology is a method which allows us to contact phenomena as we actually live them out and experience them" (Valle, 1978, p. 7). Finding the points of union in the lived experience of a group of people is its goal.

Returning for a moment to philosophy, thinkers such as Edmund Husserl (1859 –1938) considered phenomenology as a study of pure phenomena. They posited that it is possible to "…suspend all judgments about what is real… until they are founded on a more certain basis" (Creswell, 1998, p. 52). Becoming aware of presuppositions and judgments and making them explicit allows the researcher to theoretically refrain from reacting to previous knowledge and experience (to "bracket off") and to thereby observe the pure phenomena. Complete bracketing, however, is virtually impossible, as the act of making presuppositions explicit has the effect of allowing deeper assumptions to emerge which are then bracketed off uncovering more presuppositions and on and on in a continuing process.

I think that it is interesting to note at this point that the process of bracketing off is highly analogous (and in fact synonymous) to the process of mindfulness in meditation. As a meditator moves ever more deeply into her or his own awareness, presuppositions (Sankara, reaction patterns) continually arise. As one refrains from reacting to them, they pass away and new ones arise. The process of preparation for phenomenological research, then, is itself a form of meditation and can be aided by mindfulness techniques.

(Sartre, 1985, as cited in Brady, 1998)

The search for meaning in life is an integral part of existential philosophy, which "as a formal philosophical school, seeks to understand the human condition as it manifests itself in our concrete, lived situations." (Valle, 1978, p. 6) As a philosophy, existentialism is a very good companion to the ideals of phenomenology, and in many ways is also quite compatible with Buddhist thought. All three of these thought systems reach for experience as it is, for reality devoid of constructions, and for existence without commandments. At its base, existentialism confronts us with radical and terrifying freedom, asserting that a self is constructed from the choices that it makes and that there are no rules to say that one way or the other must be done.

This is not to say, however, that one should therefore abandon all restriction and live with the sole intent of pleasure or gratification of ego desires. Absolute freedom implies absolute responsibility.

The Golden Rule is still very much alive, well and operating within the realm of existentialism.

There are some basic incompatibility issues between existentialist thought and natural scientific methodology(20). Though both of these viewpoints offer a way of reducing reality into manageable constructs, the natural sciences go about the reduction through focus on what is observable and "objective" and on dissection into smaller pieces. In behavioral psychology, the focus on natural scientific methods leads to asking questions about "doing" – because the things that people "do" are observable. In contrast, phenomenological methodology tends to focus on questions having to do with "being" – internal states that are not so easily quantified – and on reduction of reality through construction of meaning in lived experience.

Existentialism and phenomenology are very well suited for each other because both are concerned with the real experience of the person that is behind the behavior. In seeking to grapple with the fundamental issues of death, freedom, isolation, and meaninglessness, existentialism delves into the heart of what gives meaning to life. Phenomenology – the study of lived experience and the meaning that can be derived from it – is well matched as an investigative methodology with which to study the necessary abstractions of existential philosophy.

We have now arrived at a point very near to the end of the theory, and are closing in on the actual investigation. We have investigated two philosophies (Buddhism and Existentialism), two methods of practice (meditation, specifically Vipassana, and phenomenology), and one state of being (relationship), and we have seen in some respects how they are related. However, in doing so we have also skimmed through 2500 years of history, delved into the realms of philosophers and of scientists, critiqued methods of investigation, and investigated the background of human connectedness. This is quite a lot to come to terms with, and I think that a bit of integration is in order.

Vipassana is related to Buddhism and meditation as phenomenology is related to existentialism and experimental methodology. Both Vipassana and phenomenology are specific practices in their own right, members of a group of practices in a larger category (meditation or research methodology). As practical techniques, both Vipassana and phenomenology may be practiced, or used, on their own. However, deeper significance may be derived from each of them if they are informed by a philosophy that helps to explain the way in which they function. In the case of Vipassana, Buddhism is the philosophy that is best suited to this purpose, and in the case of phenomenology I believe that existentialism is best suited. This is not to say that other philosophies cannot be applied to either of the practices. Feminist philosophies are one of several other thought systems that are used as a backdrop for phenomenology, and Vipassana can also be practiced in conjunction with Christian or other religious philosophies. I have, however, chosen to make the connections that you have seen because of my own beliefs and way of seeing the world. This is yet another awareness of my own bias that will be important to both you and to myself when collecting and interpreting (or reading) the data and results of this study.

There now remains the state of being of relationship to connect into this puzzle. Vipassana and Buddhism are a practice and philosophy of self-awareness and self-revelation(21), and the general consensus of relationship researchers seems to point to the positive contribution of self-awareness to relationship. This being the case, it seems logical to link Vipassana with relationship.

However, an untested hypothesis is an untrustworthy idea, and so this study was designed to investigate how the practice of Vipassana is experienced in conjunction with relationship. This is not a statistical study trying to prove one point or another, but an investigation of the lived experience of meditation practitioners with the hope of synthesizing commonalities of experience that support (or not) the idea that practice of Vipassana can be beneficial in relationships. As such, research methodologies that rely on statistical analysis and natural scientific modes of inquiry were not appropriate for this study. I chose Phenomenology because it is best suited to the purposes that I had in mind.

Procedures of study in the phenomenological tradition generally begin with building an understanding of the philosophical basis of the approach to studying experience of a phenomenon. The researcher then generates questions that will help to explore the meaning of lived experiences of participants in the study.

Data collection generally involves interviewing participants, and is supplemented by researcher self-reflection and observations. Data analysis begins with dividing the data into statements that can then be clustered into groups of similar meaning that are then expressed using psychological and phenomenological concepts. These clusters of ideas are tied together in a narrative type of description of what was experienced and a structural description of how it was experienced. The study should conclude with "the reader understanding better the essential, invariant structure (or essence) of the experience, recognizing that a single unifying meaning of the experience exists" (Creswell, 1998, p. 55).

Personal experiences of the researcher should also be included in the study, and rhetorical practice should be informal, including use of the first person and reference to personal experience, thoughts, and impressions of the author (Creswell, 1998).

Data for this study was obtained through in-depth interviews with 7 participants. Phenomenological methodology is based on the common lived experience of a similar phenomenon, and so participants were selected with the use of criterion sampling strategies (Creswell, 1998, p.118).

Criteria for participation in this study included the requirement that participants had practiced Vipassana over a period of at least two years, had attended at least four eight to ten day Vipassana retreats, were maintaining a commitment to continue a daily practice of meditation, and were in a committed relationship that had lasted at least one year.

Seven participants fitting these criteria were interviewed, four men and three women. Ages of participants ranged from 25 to 53 years, with an average age of 42. Relationship duration ranged from 1.5 to 20 years, with an average of around 8 years. Years of Vipassana practice also ranged quite widely, from 3 to 20 years. Three participants had practiced for 3 years, 3 in the 10 to 15 year range, and one for 20 years. During this time, participants averaged about eight ten-day courses, with the number of courses per individual ranging from 4 to 15. All had also taken part in other sorts of courses, from 1 three-day course, to several 20 day, 30 day, and 45 day courses.

Only one participant was in a relationship with a partner who was not also a practicing meditator, all but one were currently employed or self-employed, and average income level was in the $15,000 to $25,000 range. Education levels varied from secondary school to a Master’s degree, with most people possessing a Bachelor’s degree. Two participants had children currently living with them, all were Canadian, all currently reside in Alberta or British Columbia, and none claim affiliation with any particular religion. For a further breakdown of participant demographic information, please see Appendix E "Participant Demographic Information".

Participants were contacted initially by email and/or telephone. Most participants were people that I have met at previous retreats that I have attended. However, an introductory email message(23) was sent to a wider range listserve, used by people involved in Vipassana related work and activities in British Columbia, Canada.

The initial email or phone contact introduced the topic of the study and the participation criteria and requested volunteers to take part in the interviews. Potential participants were made aware that there was no obligation to take part, and that initial agreement also carried no obligation to continue. They were also made aware that should they agree to participate or not, any communication with them would be kept anonymous and their names would not appear in any aspect of the study or of the data.

Following initial contact and agreement to participate, participants were sent two copies of a consent form(24) by regular mail, and asked to sign and return one copy. On receipt of the consent form by myself, participants were sent a preliminary questionnaire(25) by email. This questionnaire was focused on the collection of demographic information.

On completion of the preliminary questionnaire, participants were contacted via email or telephone to arrange a time for a telephone interview. The interviews lasted between thirty and sixty minutes in length, and were recorded for purposes of transcription.

Phenomenological interviews are best conducted using an interview protocol containing approximately five open-ended questions, and the interviewer should refrain as much as possible from offering extra questions or advice, sticking as closely as possible to the protocol (Creswell, 1998, pp. 124-125). Interviews in this case were carried out using the seven question protocol, found in Appendix D.

• Transcription of interviews: Recorded interview conversations were transcribed to create interview protocols, and all names referred to in the interview were changed to protect the identity of the person being interviewed.
• Identification of key words and phrases: The question studied was: "Does practicing Vipassana enhance the experience of an intimate relationship?" Phrases and words in the protocols that pertain to this question were noted and extracted from the main text.
• Cluster phrases into themes: Identified words and phrases were compared and clustered into themes of common meaning.
• Refer back to protocols: Once initial clustering was accomplished, the original protocols were again consulted to validate that the identified themes were representative of the intent and experience of the interview participants. If discrepancies were noted, themes were adjusted and reworked to better represent the sample.
• Formulate results: The themes and theme clusters were placed into context with each other and integrated into an exhaustive description. The exhaustive description forms the results section of this study.
• Statement of fundamental structure: The exhaustive description was condensed into a clear statement describing the fundamental structure and meaning of the data.

Results